


Complicated, Fragile, Bad-tempered, Beautiful Girls

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Series: The Lost Correspondences of Sister Lilith, and Shotgun Mary, Who Is Not A Nun [3]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26305411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: The last bit of Mary and Lilith's letters (I think)
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun)
Series: The Lost Correspondences of Sister Lilith, and Shotgun Mary, Who Is Not A Nun [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909078
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	Complicated, Fragile, Bad-tempered, Beautiful Girls

Mary,

I’m sorry for the delay in my reply. I have had to take some time to think about what you’ve said.

You may find this difficult to understand, but I don’t appreciate you making a decision for me. You don’t know what I feel, what I ever felt, what choice I would make if you presented me with the truth. It may be that I would still choose to remain chaste, but by simply leaving without discussing it, you’ve robbed me of that choice.

I was jealous of you for sneaking off with Isabel, and yes, some of it was because you were breaking rules that the rest of us were abiding by. But some of it was because I wanted you to be spending those evenings with me. I’m not prepared to say I wanted what you were having with her, not precisely; but I wanted your time, your attention.

I don’t know what I want now, apart from knowing that I want you here. The rest can be decided when we’re face to face. You’re impossible, rebellion in a bottle, frustration personified, but yes, you make me laugh, you comfort me, you challenge me, and in your better moments, you love me. So. My life is poorer without you in it, a fact I’ve had some time now to digest.

We live a life hedged on all sides by the certainty of angels and demons. We are a small group, alone in the intimate knowledge of the divine. If it seems I have a single-minded sureness of what I want, it’s because I have always been steeped in this. Do not presume my commitment to be so fragile that your feelings or mine would override it.

And do not assume that you know what my choices might be in the face of new information.

Your sister,

Lilith

********

Lil,

You sound mad.

I guess I didn’t think of it as taking away a choice, just removing a threat. I’m sorry for not seeing it that way.

My life is poorer without you, too. I don’t have a purpose here like I did when I was there, and that’s weighing too, but mostly, it’s just you.

I don’t understand what you’re saying, though, about your own feelings. Do you love me? Do you just not know what you feel? Do you really feel so confident in your commitment to your vows that you could stand being so close to me, loving me, and not taking things any farther than that? You might be that strong, but I don’t know whether I am. Obviously, I have doubts, because I’m here.

I don’t know if I could be there, loving you like I do, knowing you feel the same way, without giving in to the natural wants that come with that: holding you, kissing you, getting my hands inside your clothes and making you feel good. That’s how my wiring works, that’s what feels right to me. I don’t know how to do chaste love, Lil, and I’m telling you that now so there’s no confusion. I’d need to be inside of a bed with you. I’d need a taste of you, and then another, till I know it better than my own name. I’d need it like air.

I don’t think I could come back, and just be around you all the time, and have this all hanging in the air between us. It’s too much. Call me weak if you want. You probably will. But you know me. I don’t do small. I don’t do half measures. It’s not that I don’t love you enough to hold myself back. It’s that I love you too much.

If you tell me you don’t love me like that, tell it to me in so many words, in those plain, simple terms, then maybe I can try. I’m not promising anything.

Your Sister In The Gayest Sense of the Word,

Mary

********

Mary,

I wish there was a way for us to have what you want without resorting to sin, but that’s the conundrum, isn’t it. I believe myself capable of having you here at my side, and loving you, but remaining chaste. You, however, do not.

I don’t judge you for that. Those are the terms that you laid out when you agreed to be a part of the order. The pleasures of the flesh are too hard for you to give up. I’ve stayed clear of them, so far, because I always feared that if I didn’t, I’d enjoy them far too much and then be unable to give them up, as you are.

So you ask for clarity. Do I or do I not love you? I do. Of that much, I’m clear. I’m less clear on what the temptation of the physical means for me, or rather, what it means in general. And if chose to sin with you, how hard would it be to be forgiven?

Because I would be lying if I said I’ve never wondered what it would be like to have that with you. Don’t insult yourself with the thought that your bed holds no interest or curiosity for me. I still prefer to think that I would have the strength to resist it, to keep you in my life whilst not succumbing to the wanting and wondering.

But this is all theoretical, because you’re not here.

Your Sister Who Refuses to Label Herself in So Crass a Fashion,

Lilith

*******

Lil,

You need to put that self righteousness down right now, baby girl. You might be sitting there trying to play coy, but that last note of yours was an “I want you” if I ever read one. You’re trying to bring me back there, play like you’re gonna stay celibate, and then let me initiate, so that you don’t have to take responsibility. I’ve seen this movie before. I’m not here to absolve you of whatever you guilt you have over your feelings for me.

If you love me, say it. If you want me, say it. If you want to try it with me, say it. But don’t beg me to come back there without admitting to what you want. Don’t pretend you intend to resist me when you know that’s not what you want or intend to do.

Just say it. Say it, and I’ll be there. Next plane out. Tell me you want me to kiss you all over, from your mouth to the small of your back. Tell me you want to feel my skin against yours, my weight on you, your legs wrapped around my waist. Tell me you want me to show you exactly how a woman makes love, and I’ll do it. But I’m not doing this dance. I’m not playing this game where you leave a trail of breadcrumbs to your bed and then make it my fault when I follow you there and climb on in.

Reckon with your feelings about sin, Lil, and decide what you can forgive yourself. And if you think that includes letting me put my loving all over you, tell me so. I’ll come back. Just like that.

Your Sister Who Doesn’t Need a Label To Know What She Wants,

Mary

********

Mary,

I won’t be promising you sex to get you to come back. That’s not how any of this works.

You have my heart, you idiot. Everything else is a joke. Nothing else matters. Whatever we want, whatever way we have to come at this, we can figure it out. Of course, yes, I desperately want to know what it is to have you make love to me, but I can’t promise you I’ll be able to give myself that. I can only promise you that I want to have you in my life as many ways as I can manage.

What if I do give myself to you that way, but it comes with a side of guilt and pain? What if I can only give myself to you that way, but only so much and no more than that?Of course I want you, you bloody stupid apostate! But you have to understand that what comes along with that might be hard, it might hurt, it might not go how you want it. I’m not your pretty little carefree Isabel, and I never will be. Perhaps you need to get yourself comfortable with that idea before you push this any further.

VERY UPSET AND CONFUSED NOW,

Lilith

********

Lil,

All I want is for us to try. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It can be messy. I don’t need you to be Isabel; she was the one who was a substitute for you, remember?

I need you to be you, that’s it. I need you to be Lilith. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. But I need you to be _my_ Lilith. 

You don’t need to promise me sex to get me back, Jesus Christ. I’ll beat your ass if you ever say that to me again. I just need you to promise me that you’re going to try. If I wanted something pretty and simple and carefree, I’d still be with Isabel. Lucky for you (or unlucky I guess), I like complicated, fragile, bad-tempered, beautiful girls like you.

Just you.

If you can try, if you’re willing to do that, I’ll try my best to make it alright for you. If you’re willing to see what happens, then tell me. I’ll come to you.

With All My Heart,

Mary

********

Mary,

In the envelope is a ticket from O’Hare to Barajas for two weeks from now.

That ought to be sufficient time for you to gather your things and escape the worst of the winter.

Bring me a pizza.

Love,

Lilith


End file.
